I just wanna know when you are coming home.
I miss you so much. I need to talk to you to get your advice.
To point me in the right direction.
One of the last meaningful things you said to me was,
"Julia, you better get your shit together fast."
You always told me that you can’t make decisions for me, but I always felt like somehow even though the words didn’t get anywhere, after talking to you I was able to figure out the right choice.
"Be smart, don’t be stupid."
I just don’t wanna let you down.
or just plain ignored.
An Oh Yeah.
A Why Not.
An I guess it wouldn’t hurt.
or just over looked purposely.
or written off until the next benefit.
A lost cause.
or always an afterthought.
There is something I need to put out there that I don’t feel like bringing up to humans in my life face to face or personally. So here I will type this aloud in hopes that it will give myself the satisfaction of voicing my opinion whether anyone reads it or not.
I am twenty three years old and I have been alive for many massacres, tragedies, and other heart breaking things. I.E. Columbine, 9/11, Santana High School(which was very close to home), Virginia Tech, Aurora and many others before and in between. I had felt a strong sadness for the families of the victims and was in disbelief and the evil that had ensued.
Recently a shooting happened at an elementary school where many humans especially children died. While I still think it should not have happened, my feelings are very different now than they were before. I simply think that “it sucks” and that “it’s unfortunate” as to the tear i use to shed when hearing about such thigs. But I can’t feel for the families like I used to.
You see in August, I lost my mother very unexpectedly and without going into detail, I can barely handle it. It is the single worst thing I believe I will ever go through and it has left me very numb.
People die every day. People who are mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, best friends, wives, husbands, etc…. Yet the world is not grieving over them. In order for that to happen the media would have to find their death interesting and broadcast it their millions of viewers.
I’m very tired and I don’t know how else to put things into words. But I guess my whole point is to say that since my mother died, I now look at life and death a whole lot different than I used to.
I had a dream that you came back. Then when I woke you were no where to be found.
Why do our minds play these horrible tricks on us without hesitation. Though thankful I get to see her in my dreams. How much can my heart take until there are no pieces left to slap chop.
I wish I could share with you the excitement I feel right now. Killed me on the way home knowing that in the morning I won’t be able to tell you about tonight. Great things are coming, if I just keep pushing my self all this work is going to pay off. I will make you proud.
I love you and miss you more than words would ever explain.
I just heard it. I was dreaming and then everything went black. The dream completely stopped. A few vocal noises that sounded like a recording played backwards and then loud and clear you shouted my name. What do you need. What do I need to do. I’m sorry I couldn’t understand the first part. There are just so many barriers I wish so badly I could break them.
I love you Mom.
It was 4pm when I woke up from this dream. I have working a lot on my art career and an art driven magazine lately so I can see where this is coming from. I have been sick and have not been able to rest lately, even with help from sleep aids or nyquil, I still stay wide awake through every night just thinking. Thinking about art, about mom, about the magazine, and mostly about my mom. But today I stumbled over something in my dream that I did not know was a worry for me.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are many many women in the art world. But if you asked me to name a widely known female artist that I admire or whose work that I adore and is doing what I dream of doing, I could not. The only one I can think of who is not considered a peer is Georgia O’ Keefe, but only because of the message she was sending with her paintings, death and vaginas. Well that’s what I remember from high school anyway.
Anyway, getting to the point. The dream I had showed me in this studio sitting on a couch full of guys who lived and breathed art and literally had no where else to go but that studio. I was carrying a huge DIY arsenal case full of all my art supplies that condensed into this bad ass staff. A guy beside me asked me a question and asked me why I looked so scared. I told him that I am not used to being in public. I am used to being invisible and very behind the scenes. Usually I would be left on the couch, but a group of male artists came up and asked if I was coming or not.
I tried to get up. It felt like something was either pushing me down or keeping me from getting up. But I got there. I started walking with then and my leg went numb so I had to stopped and I watched them keep walking. Someone called back, “Are you coming or not?” I smacked at my leg until i could feel it and started to catch up with them. There was a walkway that slid to the left constantly and the guys had walked through it like it was nothing. I hesitated then tried to walk through it.
I heard one of them say that I was going to fall flat on my face. And I almost did.
I stopped when I got on the walkway and I was just about to hit the wall it lead into when I skillfully slowed down the momentum somehow and stepped off.
The smirks on their faces disappeared as I looked up at them. I decided to try again. I looked up at the guys again to see intimidation on their faces as I was about to try again… Then I woke up.
I feel like this dream was telling me that I have already overcome and proved myself once in my world. And now it is time to do it again.
There is only one person that I want to talk to right now. Attempting to talk to anyone about what I am feeling is stupid, and the truth is that if you were here, I would not need to talk to anyone at all.
When you were here there was that comfort that I felt. That no matter what happened to me, how horrible I felt my life was, how lonely I was, sad, angry or frustrated… I still had you, the one who loved me unconditionally, protected me, and stood by every one of my endeavors.
It has now been a little over a month since you left and it seems like each day gets a little dimmer. I try to push the sadness aside, but it just comes in waves. Taking me under like a strong current. Sometimes I can’t even breathe.
Things keep changing around here and when they do i feel more life sucked out of me. I preoccupy myself with projects, with my magazine, but the darkness creeps in when I am least expecting it.
This spiral staircase seems to go on forever. I don’t know how long I can keep climbing it. I look forward to seeing you again.
Today was the first day of the San Clemente Tournament. Longhorns tied the first game 2-2 and won the second 5-3. Duane had no strike outs and his fly outs were great hits but the wind was super strong and the field was not facing the right way. I know I don’t usually go to his games. Like once in a blue moon actually. I wish I had gone more, cause that would have been more time spent with you, laughing with you, learning from you.
Every time Dweeb got a hit or made a great play I could hear your voice in my head and would pretend think about what you would say about that play or hit. Then the tears would come because I wanted you so desperately to be sitting next us in the stands, breaking the quiet, cause no one cheered or encouraged the team like you did.
I wrote “Sit and Hit Witt” small on the inside of his helmet so that every time he goes up to bat he will hear your voice in his head and remember who he is playing for and that you will always be rooting for him.
Yesterday’s sunset at your memorial was amazing mom. So many people loved you and they miss you. I kinda day dreamed through most of it. That’s really actually how I have been getting through most of my days. I will keep hanging in there for dweeb. Even though he’s probably helping me through this than vice versa. He’s strong.
I love you mom. I hope I am doing things right.
Yesterday marked a week since you have been gone. This has been the longest dream/nighmare that I have ever had. Every second I hope to wake up but then Katy Perry’s song “Wide Awake” comes on (of which I know you like very much) and then I realize that this is all so very real.
I still don’t understand. Everything is going by really slow and fast at the same time. I hate waking up and knowing you are not here. I could sleep forever. I want to sometimes.
I made some retarded moves before you left and I am hoping that there are no consequences to them. I would have probably talked to you about it, but now I find myself being an adult and dealing with it. I’d much rather have you help me though cause that means that you would still be here.
I am so mad at myself. I hope you knew how much I loved and appreciated having you as my mom. I always have a hard time being mushy, but I think I totally got that from you. When i hug dweeb I feel like I am hugging you too.
The memory you gave me is spectacular, but painful. Everywhere I look you are embedded. I’m sure over time the frequency will simmer a little but it will never go away. I will be dialed in our you forever mom.
I am blank. Numb. Still in shock, I think anyway.
I am working on being strong for you.
Today I made the chicken you had taken out to thaw. I don’t think that you had meant all the pieces to made into Dweeb’s sliders cause now there is a huge bowl of Chicken patties in the fridge. I think I got the hang of it by the last four.
I should have listened and watched you cook more. Thought I would still have time.
At least he will have food for a while. I think. I hope he wasn’t being nice when he said they tasted good. He is being so strong and positive. I hope I don’t fail him.
Tomorrow is the first day of school. I am going with him because someone said something about a substitute aide job and I should talk to her about that.
I am also starting to plan your memorial. I hope you are ok with it. I know you don’t like to make big fusses. So many people loved you and I think it will be good for them to get their closure.
When I sit in my room, it feels like you are still here. But the minute I step out the door, I feel the empty.
p.s. this bigass canvas sitting next to me is for you. I am just looking for the strength to bring myself to fill it.
I love you.
I wasn’t dreaming. But I woke up crying hysterically. Knowing that I am never going to hear your voice or see your face again. A face that was calming, that made me feel safe and home. Now I am lost. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know how I am going to do it without you.
Every pain that I have had before is so little compared to the sadness and emptiness that now consumes every inch. I ache. I hurt.I cry.
Hungry, I open the fridge. There is so much food. Food that we only have because you have been taken from us. Though of course I thank everyone kindly for thinking of us and bringing us these wonderful gestures. It just reminds me you are gone.
They brought chocolate chip cookies, mom, and delicious brownies, and I can’t eat them since I have realized what it is. “Comfort Food” Calories and fat masquerading as this wonderful treat to VERY temporarily bring joy to your taste buds.
But even still, it does not taste right. No, worries though. I should not be eating things like that anyway. It’s time to get healthy and take care of myself, so i can take care of others and love others longer.
Oh gah mom. This can’t be happening. It just. can’t.
Until next time,
I love you.
I just watched the sun come up for the first time knowing that my mother, my mom, mommy is no longer here with us in her human body. Hoping that her spirit will remain with my brother, dad, and I, and KNOWING that every piece of her will live on in my heart. This honestly does not feel like it is happening, and I wish at any moment to wake up from this nightmare. I can feel every inch of me aching, wanting this to be some kind of joke. But it is not.
Last night, my mom collapsed while running. They say her heart stopped. It will be hours until we hear from the coroner as they are going to find out exactly what happened. She was healthy. Ran every other day. No signs of sickness or anything. I don’t understand why. Why did this happen to her, why did she have to leave us.
I know you fucking hate all this internet and social media stuff but I figure that maybe it will get to you faster. Actually I am hoping that you are watching me write this as I type.
Now I know you didn’t want to get old, but I think this was too soon. We still have so much to experience together. So much. I still can’t wrap my head around what is happening and people say that I probably won’t for a long time. I definitely cannot believe that is a puppy right now. First and foremost, I love you. I love you more than I can even explain. I really wished I showed it more. I thought you would always be here. I will always carry you in my heart.
I will do my best to help dad take care of and help Dweeb succeed in life. I won’t let him give up on his dreams, and I will make sure he does his homework and gets good grades. Dad is a mess. He really loved you mom. The three of us will stick together and get through this.
I know that you would be pissed at all the cryin’ were doing. But damn it, I really don’t know how to live in a world without you. You’re my mom. One of a kind, beautiful, and strong.
This is all I can write for now, as each word feels like it is being ripped from my chest. But I promise, I will be writing you a lot.
I love you so much.
So fucking much.
With ALL my Love,
Sometimes I really hate remembering my dreams, but in last nights case I was regretful that they reminded that even though I am not in a great pl ace right now, I have been in a much worse one.
It started off weird. I can’t remember things exactly but I couldn’t tell who was who at first. i just know that the people in my dreams were people that are or were once close in my life. It was surreal, things didnt make sense. I flash to a friend swimming in a giant fruit salad type thing. Then they got our and jumped into a vat of ranch. I asked them if they wanted me to come in to and they just glared at me. I walked away and fell through a hole in the ceiling. i was no in the back of a car that my ex was driving. We were on our way to Disneyland. I was then in Disneyland by mmyself and watching him drive away through the fence. I knew i had to work so I started walking home. Got back to work and starting working. I was an artist doing various paintings and graphics for cars. Then this co worker came in and said he had to go and started clearing his workspace out which was right next to mine. He moved a big box and I look over to see my ex flirting and touching this other girl. I wanted to kill her. I walked over there and he goes “oh hey baby” for some reason the girls moom is there and I ask her to use her lightbox? wtf. I just completely ignore this little budding relationhipo between tthis skank and the person im supposedly in live with. All of a sudden Im in a car. And I am driving full speed towards to Ocean.
Then I woke Up.